Vermont Northern Lights Career Development Center

Dominant Dating is about male leadership not spanking

by Sam Shane

Many think that a daominant relationship is one in which a husband spanks a naughty wife, but actually, it has nothing to do with spanking. Let me give a few reasons why I think this from my own personal experiences.

Mike and I love spanking. We primarily spank for fun, for no reason at all. Sometimes we spank more seriously, for no reason at all, and sometimes we spank for a reason and sometimes my husband takes me in hand but does not spank me at all.

Although for Mike and me spanking is an important part of our relationship we tried spanking before Mike started to be the head of the household and take me in hand. At that time we did not even consider that discipline was more than just role play. It did not in my wildest dreams – well, OK, maybe only in my wildest dreams – occur to me that a husband would take his wife in hand. The very idea of a male head of a modern home was not even considered. I was born in the early 1970's in Canada and believe me this was not even entertained as an option. So we tried spanking. It was ridiculous; we got nothing out of it except a few laughs and a sore butt. It had its fun side but it had no profound effect on me or Mike at all.

Knowing something was missing I started looking for more information about spanking and came across information on male-led relationships. It set off fireworks for me. Here were people doing what I had always really wanted, but never considered a possibility. I had always wanted a strong, no-nonsense man with convictions in my relationship. Once Mike took the lead in our relationship and started taking me hand, spanking took on a whole new dimension for us.


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Spanking is an important part of our relationship, and Mike does spank me when he is displeased with me. But that is not what makes us dominant. What makes us dominant is the whole dynamic of Mike leading our relationship. It has a lot to do with Mike's attitude about his place in our marriage, and how I react to that. It has a lot to do with how Mike now just knows he is responsible to lead us, take care of us. It is his easy, comfortable demeanour and how he never questions who is the leader. He knows I will submit to his will, so there he need not worry about that. Even though we do use spanking, his leadership has nothing to do with spanking.

Now we love to use spanking for fun, he spanks me often. Since we changed the dynamic of our relationship this has taken on more meaning, even if we are just fooling around. For us relationship is about Mike's leadership, and my submission to that leadership. Spanking is a fringe benefit, one that Mike can choose to use however he wants!

That describes perfectly the way my husband and I use spanking. Certainly, if we decided for whatever reason to discontinue spanking it would not change the fact that he is head of the household and that my will is to be submissive to him. Even if such an arrangement did not "set off fireworks" for me (though it does!), the change that the arrangement has made in his demeanor and leadership ability is reason enough to continue. Charlotte


Spanking can mean many different things to many different people. Until I discovered the Interent, I literally had no idea that there were adult couples who used spanking for anything other than erotic arousal. It came as a great surprise to me that there were couples where the man spanked the woman for genuine 'punishment'.

Evidently for some people the 'punishment' thing works. Apparently it does for you. It is not, however, essential that you have punishment as part of a relationship. There are couples on here who don't use spanking or any kind of punishment as part of their relationship. Being in love is about being in a male-led relationship because you find that pleasurable, it does not have to involve punishment. A relationship between a man and a woman does not have to be a straightforward one of reward and punishment, wer're talking about a long-term relationship here, not obedience training for a dog.

As for myself, spanking for me is always erotic, and much more so when it is 'real' punishment, which I find much more exciting than 'erotic' spanking. The prospect of being spanked has no effect on my behaviour in itself, I try not to do things that I know are seriously going to annoy my husband because I want our life together to be more harmonious than it has been in the past, not because I'm afraid of being spanked. Spanking as aversion therapy works for some people, but it does nothing for me at all.

It's nice if 'reward and punishment' works for you, but for some people it doesn't, and for me not at all, I do not find it at all satisfying to think of my husband as a substitute for a strict headmistress,! You may have a clearly defined difference between 'play' and 'punishment', but I have no such boundary in my mind, the two merge together completely to make a satisfying whole.